May 17, 2008

DENVER -- We’re taught to raise and care for our pets, but few of us know how best to cope with the loss of an animal that has been part of our family for years.

Cathy and Adam Rongey’s dog, Fletcher, died of cancer last year. One morning he was fine, but by afternoon everything had changed.

“I went and played golf and went to my mom’s house,” Adam said. “And Cathy came in and she looked a little different. And Fletch walked in real slow, just kind of like, I don’t think fletch was doing so well and looked down and definitely something was wrong.”

Four hours later, Fletcher had to be euthanized.

“Sometimes I feel like, wow, I can’t believe he’s gone, even though it’s been a year,” Adam said. “There’s a side of me that can’t believe he’s gone.”

The Rongey’s feelings are normal, licensed social worker Kay Gilchrist says.

“First of all, there’s a lot of disbelief and shock, and just a feeling of numbness and a feeling of inability to focus,” she said of people who lose a pet.

Gilchrist runs a pet loss therapy group in Denver called Human Animal Bond Trust (humananimalbondtrust.com). She started the organization in 1988 after reading an article about a veterinarian who had no help to offer clients whose pets had to be put down.

The organization is a conglomerate of psychologists and veterinarians offering a free, weekly group counseling session on pet loss.

Losing a pet can be even more difficult than the loss of a person, Gilchrist says.

“I think I was shocked with how much it affected me. I have lost my grandparents. I think this dog was so much more than just a pet to me,” Cathy said.

In the past, many outsiders dismissed the notion of taking a pet’s loss so hard. Nowadays, however, it’s considered healthy to grieve openly for pets. After losing her dog, Chow-Chow last month, Martha Stewart’s blog included photos of her family’s burial process.

“The old rural attitude of ‘It was just a dog, or it was just a cat,’ or you know, that kind of attitude is gone,” Gilchrist said. “And people really need to understand that it’s ok to feel a lot of pain and loss when they lose their pets.”

The bond between people and their pets is what makes the grieving process so difficult, Gilchrist says.

“Anger and guilt are almost always present in some form because our pets are so dependent on us for everything,” she said. “People naturally feel guilty -- if only I’d done this, if only I’d done that.”

“You think of all the things that you feel,” Cathy said, looking at photos of Fletcher. “Like you didn’t spend enough time with him that day or that whole week. Didn’t give him enough walks or something because all of a sudden you have to make this decision that you have to let go of him.”

When faced with an animal’s death, therapists recommend the following:

1. Allow yourself to feel upset and angry, but if the feelings persist for more than a month, seek counseling to help you work through the grief.

2. Do not become so busy or throw yourself into your work so intensely that you are not in touch with your feelings.

3. Find a way to memorialize your pet. Make a scrap book or have a place in your home for photos.

The Rongey’s have been moving into a new home, and plan to get another dog once they’re settled, Adam says. First, though, they’ve allowed themselves to grieve, which is exactly what Gilchrist suggests.

“We recommend they not go out and get another pet right away,” she said. “Because a lot of people want to do that and what that does is interrupt the grief process, and it could actually prevent bonding to the new pet.”

For now, the Rongey’s are content to bridge the gap between welcoming a new dog and remembering Fletcher.

“I definitely thought I was getting a little overboard, you know?” said. “You can love your dog, but you’re just not supposed to looove your dog,” said, laughing.

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