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9:59am

A Child's Grief........

129 comments

Some of you know that two days a week three of my grandchildren spend the day with me. One of my grandchildren, Maddie, was allowed to "adopt" two hermit crabs last week. This is the first time that "Maddie" has had pets of her "own" as the family has had cats and dogs. Maddie has been chatting alot about her beloved hermit crabs and doing research, we even posted a question here asking about habitats. She has been taking great steps in ensuring them proper "everything". I have not had the opportunity to meet the newest members of our family. Yesterday when Maddie(10 years old) got home from here, she picked up "Powder Puff" and sometime during the day, for whatever reason, "Puff" went to the Rainbow Bridge. My grandchild is one that holds her emotions in, so I was quite surprised that she's falling apart........and of course I feel totally helpless. For those few short days "Puff" was adored. Maddie has a yearly physical exam scheduled for this morning and I truly hope that she opens up to the pediatrician......and just maybe the doctor can give my Maddie some "pearls of wisdom". There's nothing worse for me than to witness a child's grief.



Discussion

129 comments found.
PJ W.
PJ W. (pj0908)
3 months ago
Deedee - I feel your pain. My son lost his hermit crab and was devastated. I just had no idea he was that attached to a crab. All you can do is comfort them and be there and I know you are.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
It's amazing how much they feel for a crab. Now she has 2 healthy ones and they are ALL doing just fine.

I have fallen behind quiet a bit but wanted to give you my support as well. It is hard enough for us as adults to deal with the loss and many people diminish the loss when its just a pet, or just a dog, cat, crab etc. There is no such thing as a small loss. We all attached so much value and emotion to our pets it doesn't matter what kind it is, it is heartbreaking. I am so very sorry she is going through this and i am sure you are helping her the best you can. It is always good to have someone who knows and has been there to help you. We cannot protect our children from the hard things in life but just be there for them and with them through it. God Bless you both and take care.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you so much Ruthie. Everyone is fine now. Thank goodness.

Oh, give Maddie a big squeeze. It is so hard to loose a pet. Even as adults we "fall apart", I know she loved powder puff very much. A child can squeeze so much into a week. Just wondering, Did you tell her the story of the rainbow bridge? Maybe you being such a creative Grandma, could elaborate to the story and paint a glorious picture of Powder Puff at the Rainbow bridge. It might help create a "sweeter" memory of losing her 1st pet.
Sheila

I never knew what grief was from losing a pet because my fish and turtles NEVER DIED!!! I learned later in life that whenever one of them died, my mom ran to the pet store and replaced them. Now...as I state in my little "about me" area...whenever one of my beloved animals die, a little part of me dies with them permanently. I don't know how a child grieves..I just know that when my daughter bought 2 crickets and cage for her son...what good was going to come out of it? I think that they finally let them go free. Maybe feeling some grief is healthier...I just don't know...I see that your grand child that has already learned to empathize...Someone did something right!

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Sheila, thank you.........SO good to see you back!!

Loosing your first pet is a hard experience, no matter how old you are. My best wishes.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you so much..........

moore4dogs
moore4dogs
3 months ago
oh DeeDee, that's a sad story, it is hard indeed to witness a little girl's grief over the loss of her very 1st pet. Your story brought up my own memories of losing a turtle, which my dear father accidentally stepped on! I did not think I was ever going to get over that at age 5, it took a while but soon another pet came into my life and helped mend the broken heart. I hope she will soon be healed of her loss.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
It's been a few days and she's doing so much better. Good to see you back! Thank you for your thoughtful comment.

I think she's so stricken because you said this was her first very own pet right? She was trying everything she could do to take care of it and now that it passed she probably feels obligated....idk, that's how kids think. They like to blame themselves for things, so I would just reassure her that everything's alright and that it was not her fault in any way.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Exactly....she blamed herself.

Bless her little heart! It happens - with love comes grief. The most important thing for her to know is that it was not her fault. Children seem to internalize and assume responsibility for issues that just happen as part of nature. My son was not a pet person - no matter what he did, how hard he tried, they died. It just happens that way. Hope she gets to feeling better - magi

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you. She's better and is realizing that it wasn't her fault. Thank you so much for your concern, truly appreciated.

Grief is such a difficult thing to experience- don't we all know that!! A nice little ceremony, & a copy of the Rainbow Bridge, & lots of open discussion about it may help. It's hard enough for adults, must be tougher for children!! Best Wishes!

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
The Rainbow Bridge certainly makes us ALL feel better, doesn't it? Thank you.

I cry every time I read it!!

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
I find it comforting.

I'm sorry, I didn't state that very well. I meant, I cry for my loss but yes, I also happily anticipate the future reunion. Tears of sorrow & tears of anticipated happiness.

ck08
ck08
3 months ago
i feel so bad....especially if it was her "own"...i know how that feels i had a gerbil when i was about 11 that was my "own"...sadly she passed

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you. It was taumatic, but Mddie's on the mend. These kind words help.

Poor things, both of you. I do like the idea of having a service of some sort. It can offer a chance to get everything out. I hope she feels better very soon.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you so much. She's on her way.

ourstaff
ourstaff
3 months ago
Did you have some sort of ceremony to make the passing of Powder Puff? I still find it comforting to have the ashes of the babies that I have lost. I also find that having pictures helps.
Death and parting is a hard lesson to learn at any age, but sadly we all must face it. The blessing in this case is that she has you to support her.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you. We're in the Planning stages.

ourstaff
ourstaff
3 months ago
I had a small idea this morning that I wanted to share.
She might like to have the start of an adult sized charm bracelet. You could start her off with one charm for the baby she just lost and add more charms as she adds pets (living hopefully). That way she will have something from you and them that will last a lifetime

Tears filled my eyes from reading your post. Maddie is definitely touched by the animal angel.
She may keep her emotions in but the unconditional love she expressed & received has affected her spirit. She brings warmth to my soul knowing she is one of the future animal angels.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
I am going to tell her that you said that. That will put a BIG smile on her face...thank you so much. Children need positive reinforcement...

From the journal and all the comments, sounds like Maddie will be a future rescue person with a heart of gold.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thanks Betty. She seems to be heading in the right direction.....

MehKLuh
MehKLuh
3 months ago
That's a terrible thing to happen.Well,almost about the best part is....is that Powder Puff is in rainbow bridge(which i have did research about).Tell her im very sorry.But very great journal


:)

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you SO much............it's appreciated.

Oh that is always the worse. Loosing your first pet, mine was a beta fish and i was like 19 years old. It killed me though, I loved that fish. A friend of mine and I got matching ones and named them togather.

My thoughts and prayers go out to your granddaughter, I hope she gets better soon.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you...prayers and good thoughts are always very welcome.

MaxxieBrown
MaxxieBrown
3 months ago
Dee I am so sorry for Maddie's loss. Give her a big hug from me.

I had answered your question and one thing I left out and maybe should have added. I thought Big Blue had died many times. So I would move him and check the next day to see if he was alive or not. And all but his final day he would be back in his hut. So they can appear to be gone when in fact they aren't. Just a tiny speck of hope, if they didn't already have his services.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thanks..............my daughter and Maddie went back to the store where the clerk confirmed it. If you scroll down a bit I wrote about just how wonderful the clerk was. Maddie is doing much better, but yesterday at this time, we had our hands full. I felt SO helpless.

MaxxieBrown
MaxxieBrown
3 months ago
I just finished reading all the replies and see where this was already mentioned. I'm just so glad things are looking brighter.

That is a tough lose for a little one -- for anyone. The lose of the first pet that was her own.
I hope that she is able to never forget Puff, but that the full-fledged mourning lessens really soon.
Best wishes to Maddie and you.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thanks Beth. It's one of life's lessons that's really rough on a child.

odie20
odie20
3 months ago
I am so sorry for your grandchilds lost! It isvery hard to lose something you care so much about no matter what it is. I wish you and your family the best and hope she starts to feel better soon. Best wishes,

Ashley & Babyodie

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you SO much for your kind words.

I can't imagine how sad the grand child was and I'm very sorry for all your loss, just a thought though... does anyone else think hermet crabs should be put in tanks and made into pets after some idiot paints shells to make them cute????
I just think they are destine to parish in some little tank instead of living at the beach and yes probaby getting eaten. I don't know it just seemms bad, like those people who give fish or crabs as party favors, they are alive.

Cassie3
Cassie3
3 months ago
Devon, the journal mentions that DeeDee and Maddie went on Zootoo to ask a question about hermit crabs. In other words, Maddie goes on Zootoo. How will your "pearl of wisdom" make a 10-year-old little girl feel better? This was the wrong place to make your "point" about fish and crabs. I'm sure you regret your comment. It's a good lesson for us all; as Andie says, we really need to think before we speak and type.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
This journal is about DeeDee's grandchild and the loss that she feels after losing her new hermit crab. It's NOT about whether they should live in a tank or on the beach. DeeDee and her granddaughter researched every avenue that they could find, on the care of Hermit Crabs, and I'm sure Powder Puff had the VERY best care.
If you have a problem with Hermit Crabs being domesticated, you should write your own journal entry about that. When you are responding to this one, or any other journal entry, where someone has lost a beloved family member, you should show respect, as DeeDee has so many times, to others.

Did you mean to be as insensitive as this reply sounds? You may have strong feelings about hermit crabs, but I would think from the journal entry and Deedee's postings that you would realize these little crabs were well cared for. Not to mention that Deedee didn't need to deal with this kind of reply when she was busy trying to console her granddaughter. We really need to think before we speak and type.

How about a little sensitivity and tact?? Dee Dee's grandchild was traumatized over the loss. Dee Dee has been nothing but supportive and consoling when other Zootooers have expressed their grief/sadness and deserves nothing but the same in return!!

Dee Dee, I'm sorry to hear about your grandchild's trauma over the loss of the hermit crab. That must be stressful on you, too, since you need to find a way to help comfort your grandchild and surely feel sad because there are limited ways of doing so. I think just being there is comforting--you undoubtedly make a wonderful grandmother.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Michele, thank you for understanding.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
This journal is about a child, MY GRANDCHILD lossing her first "living being", not whether or not a hermit crab should be kept in a tank. If it upsets you so much, write it in your own journal.

MaxxieBrown
MaxxieBrown
3 months ago
Wonderful reply Dee. My hermit crab lived for a long time before he perished. And he was well taken care of.

deedee,I just want to tell you how sorry I was to see Maddie having to deal with her first loss at her very own pet.I think Maddie and her Mom were very lucky to meet up with a pet store employee who actually had a bit of knowledge and sympathy.
As a last point,I would like to say that because Hermit Crabs are caught in the wild,and don't reproduce in captivity,they seem to be much more vulnerable to stress and ill health.
Tell Maddie to not give up though,for I've owned Hermies for many years.If you do the research and you provide them with all the things that they need,they can be with you for a long time.Maddie may not forget Powderpuff,but her new buddy sure will help.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you Sharon.........you're very kind.

I have to agree with you, Deedee. When I read this response I thought those things could have been left off given the situation. Obviously your granddaughter cherished this little creature and did a lot of research to come up with the best habitat for them.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you Andie. This wasn't an "impulse" buy by any stretch of the imagination.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
I think that depends on the size of the tank and how much preparation is put into it.......I don't agree wth anybody adopting ANY animal without alot of knowledge is a very bad idea.

Let her cry and talk it out. Also let her know that it is okay to feel sad and that you are too. I think some of Cassie's suggestions are good too.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
I spoke to my daughter a little while ago and she believes that it was the "suddeness" of this. Poor kid just got PowderPuff last week. Apparently alot of thought and care has gone into the habitat. She'll land on her feet in a few days.

I'm sure it is so disappointing for her. If you have ever seen one, they are so cute too.

I'm sorry to hear that Maddie had to experience the loss of PowderPuff with only having had her for such a short time. It's always hard on children but I'm sure this was exceptionally hard as Puff had just joined the family. Good sign that she has selected a new companion and I think Cassie's idea's are great. You can discuss with Maddie if this is something she would like the 2 of you to put together to remember Puff. More quality time with G-mom.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
It just upset me SO much to see the pain in her eyes.......she hurts, I hurt. She's a very dear girl. She's was better by this afternoon. Thanks for your kind words and providing Jen with the Rainbow Bridge..

Gonna be rough for awhile! You guys will pull thru.

Cassie3
Cassie3
3 months ago
Are there any photos of Powder Puff? Even if there aren't, you could put together a memory book for Maddie, including pictures of hermit crabs, text about where and when Maddie found/adopted Powder Puff. Maybe a photo of Maddie by the computer with the caption "Hermit Crab Expert." List some info about hermit crabs. You can include your picture and how sad you were that you never got to meet Powder Puff and the reasons why, and also how much you know about wonderful hermit crabs--thanks to Maddie. You could include a picture of Powder Puff's friend with a caption explaining how much fun this friend had with Powder Puff. Maybe they were cousins? That sort of thing. The last page could be a picture of a night sky filled with stars, and one hermit crab with a bit of sand glued to the "sky." I don't know Maddie so this might be a bad idea.

Those are great ideas. It might be a fun project to do with Maddie so she could talk about Puff...or even draw about Puff. It sounds like Maddie is doing much better now but still, it might be a comforting project for her.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
You are a fountain of ideas....thank you.

Debby
Debby (zennla)
3 months ago
aww.. that is so sad. I hope she will be fine soon.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
When she's better, I'm going share all of these kind words with her. It's rough on any child.......Thank you Debby.

Pam
Pam (pammyj3)
3 months ago
I'm so sorry to hear about Maddie's little "powder puff". It"s very hard for adults to deal with the death of a pet, and it's worse for a child. My kids and I are still not over the death of our beloved Buddy, and thats been a year now. I will keep Maddie in our daily prayers.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you so much. Prayers are always welcome......

Oh Dee, I am so sorry - I am sure Maddies's grief is so hard to see - at the vet clinic we would have people bring their children when a beloved pet needed to be euthanized - my heart would break as we would hear those children crying in pain and sorrow.. I don't think there is a best way for children to mourn their pets... They need to be given time to remember them, and talk about them - say how much they loved them - even if it was only for a short time.. Mourning a pet has to be done in her own way maybe make a memorial, or have a ceremony, write poems and stories, or make a drawing. I wish we could all offer her some magic solution and I am sorry we cannot. Please give her my sympathy and make sure she knows that Duncan was there to welcome Puff - and my Keisha too - (she always loved little creatures)

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Sheila I hadn't thought about Duncan welcoming Powder Puff, and CoCo too.....thank you SO much. I'm going to call Brooke right now.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Brooke told me to thank you.

Oh, I am just glad to hear that everyone is feeling a bit better today...

I'm sorry for Maddie grief and the loss of her little puff.Tell her Flip gives her little igy licks to make her smile again.They are wet and sticky!!!

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Maddie will certainly get a kick out of a Flip lick!!! Thank you!

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
I'm sorry to hear Maddie lost her hermit crab. My daughter has had numerous hermit crabs for many years (mostly from Myrtle Beach). The website from Barbara-Jean below is a very good one. Last week my daughter's went through the molten stage. She said at first she thought it had died, but it was the exoskeleton it had shed, and she found it in one of the other shells. I hope Maddie gets another one to care for. Tell her we all feel bad for her.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
I will..thank you SO much. You're all making me feel better......Maddie's better this afternoon from what her Mom said.


My heart goes out to you and your Grandchild deedee.

I know Maddie has researched a lot so probably you know this already. But are you sure the crab is dead? Just trying to help here in case there is a chance Puff isn't rally dead. My hamster story below is why I am concerne on this.

Scroll down to Surprize for details

http://www.hermit-crabs.com!

As a child I had a hamster who was in our science class that winter. I don't remember why but he was. One cold day (schools weren't heated at night) we found Pepino dead. But I wouldn't believe it as I knew they hibernated. I insisted he was just hibernating. The teacher kepttrying to console me and saying he was dead and wanted to through him in the garbage. I finally said I needed to take him home and bury him. So he wrapped some paper towels around him and put him in my desk so I could take him home. When I got home my mom warmed up milk and gave him a drop carefully every 15 minutes and after a couple hour Pepino bit her so we knew he would beokay. That hamster lived to 5 and a half years old. I gave him Wheat germ and milk evey day. lol

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
Thank you for the website, already passed that on.......and for your story. My daughter took Maddie back to the store this morning and "Puff" had passed away. The store employee really seemed to know her stuff and picked up on Maddie's grief. She explained that they don't really know the age of the crustaceans when they're brought in. It could have been older than expected. The good news is that she had Maddie choose another. So Maddie, being Maddie, choose one with a broken shell as she thought nobody else would want it. I think that was a good sign. It's still not "Puff", but she's headed in the right direction. I've been told that the new one has already climbed out of the broken shell and headed for a really nice one that Maddie already had in the habitat. From what I've heard, the habitat s a mini-mansion!! Thank you again.

deedee I am so glad your Grandaughter had Puff checked out and was able to take on a new friend. She sound like a wise little girl and having animal loving family has developed a good sense in wanting to care for them properly. When I was in the pet shop business we had to deal with tender hearts of all ages but the young are especially fragile. Some took hours o console and even came in for many visits to talk of their pets and was it their fault and if/when the got another they wanted to know all about how to make sure they were doing eveything right.

We dealt with a lot of Jewish clientel and sometimes they lost pet birds due to the Jewish holidays where were not able to feet grains. We made up special diets for these occasions and always made sure to let them know. Because the birds failed so fast on the many diets they offered that weren't good for them at these times. We can not always know who is Jewish or maybe they never were to us before their loss. It was especially hard because we had to point out the reason these birds failed and that's hard for them because they blaim themselves and we have to get them over that and give them a healthy understanding that it really wasn't their fault and they had made to learn that sometimes animals do suffer for our mistakes. But the fact they cared and were willing to learn they would be able to help others and now know the proper care their birds need during their holidays. So many over the years had expressed their appreciation through letters and cards thanking us for our help and concern. Even after graduating and moving else where they would come in just to say hello and talk of those times and how they were helped over a very difficault time in their lives.
I am so glad to hear Maddie is doing better.
hugs
B-J

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago
THANK YOU...............how patient and kind you are..........We do believe that Maddie blae herself until the clerk had a talk with her. It's amazing to me how far a few kind words go, especially to a child. And yes, they are very fragile. I guess I should have been better prepared.

It's difficult to prepare for the tragedies in life deedee. You seem to be handling it very well. It is the suddeness of Puff's crossing that was difficult for sure.

Great news that she has a new pet as well as some support from the pet store employee. I'm sure glad to hear that the hermit crab hadn't been injured and could move on to a better shell. I hope Maddie is feeling better now and you too. It's so painful to watch someone you love suffer and not be able to make things all better.

Anonymous
Anonymous
3 months ago